A Story Not Yet Told for SAAM

Content warning: sexual assault & rape culture

Different Year, Same Pain

This April is the fifth Sexual Assault Awareness and Action Month (SAAM/SAAAM) I have “celebrated” as a survivor. Since my first assault I have become an entirely different person than who I used to be. I was barely 16 when I was assaulted for the first time and now am almost 22 years old, a full grown person. I may not be who I used to be, but I do love who I am now and I have myself to thank for that. When I was in college in Hawaii at 18 I was drugged and assaulted by a stranger at a party. I changed after that too, and became a much darker and angrier person. The pain of what happened to me and the lack of justice derailed my life. I waited for 10 months to find out my assailant would not be held accountable for what he did. It was a crushing blow and I was not prepared for how painful it would be to cope with. I made myself whole again as best I could and went back to school, started a job I loved, and was making new friends. But then I got mixed up with a bad person.

One of my coworkers asked me on a date and I went, and then we went on another, and on our third date he raped me.

I was in bad shape, with searing pain every time I moved and had bruises all over my skin so I took myself to the ER for an exam. The doctor looked at me as if my eyes told him everything he needed to know, like the pain I felt was visible to him, stammering while he asked me questions. I waited alone in a room that felt like it got smaller every second I sat there. It was hours before the doctor told me they couldn’t get anyone to come administer the exam and collect evidence. But I could drive 40 minutes West or North to the other hospitals that could. I had little faith this wrong would be righted to begin with and couldn’t stand to spend more time alone in a hospital. I asked the doctor if I could just go home and not get the exam. He looked like he was trying not to show me how sad he was and told me everything I do is my choice and recommended I at least go for my own safety and care. I didn’t go to the other hospital. I went home and showered and pretended not to see the blood or the bruises.

I didn’t file a formal complaint against the coworker but I did tell my managers what happened. Based on…